Just thoughts
I guess that I am at that point in life where you ask the question, is this all there is? I know that in my heart that in certain aspects of my life this does not apply, but in the daily drama, I just thought life would be different. I love the part of my life where I have so many opportunities to use my skills and abilities and influence or at least plant seeds in the lives of young people. But I truly don’t relish the fact that I have to drive so far and the word tired doesn’t even begin to comprehend how I feel. I hate the fact that I have been so busy trying to work hard, do the right thing that Ibesides that I am not sure who I am. Circumstances in life have led me to build a huge protective wall, to believe in untrue things and to surround my self with lonely. I thought my house would be nicer, that life would be easier and more fun. I needed a place to be me. To put just thoughts, to talk out loud, to somehow just have a voice. I tell students all the time that there is always a choice, but I feel stuck. Stuck financially, stuck emotionally, stuck in relationships that truly don’t make me smile. I feel that I made the importance of the world too important as I was raising my children and I wish I could have a do over. Not that they are bad kids, but they sometimes approach life the way I showed them, like a bull in a China cabinet. I see now that most of that truly doesn’t matter. The question is where and how do I go from here. The old methods of work hard and get somewhere are not too appealing to me. I want things to be easier. I want to smile, laught and have fun. Not be so tired and complainy. I want prince charming to sweep me off of my feet. He would be kind, gentle, fun. And he would say ,don’t worry I’ll take care of that. He would have the same dreams as me and not spend an eternity on the coach downstairs. I need this part of my life to be more like I’ve reached a place where I can work, but it feels like vacation. A part of my life that I feel free, not angry and trapped. Is this mid life crisis or worse? Am I just having a bad pity party? hmmm. shed some light.
